you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
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“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.