You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
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Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
The USS B port
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.