“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
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I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.