You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
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Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
peak technology
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
I don’t know what to do
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.