You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

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Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.


Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”


I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.


[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
ME: Green Lobster!


23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List


Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”


The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment


*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?


The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.


The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”