You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

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*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”


If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.


*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*


Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.


December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it


Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please


Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.