@skankymunter

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

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@Bob_Heller

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

@Elizasoul80

Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”

@Peteypops13

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

@dave_cactus

[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…

@slimmy_shady

23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List

@themorris23

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

@dumbbeezie

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

@AmishSuperModel

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

@JimmerThatisAll

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

@UncleDuke1969

The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”