You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
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[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden