You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
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USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
this will hang in the louvre one day
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway