You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*

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architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes


Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.


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A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”


You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.


“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”


There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p


2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment