“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
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[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”