“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
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Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
My neck, my back, my…
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn