You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
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I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office