“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
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The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
🤣🤣
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir