You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
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*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure