You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
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Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Harsh but fair
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up