You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
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The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone