You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
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It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Monday Lisa
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom