YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
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You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
President The Rock Obama
this makes me so uncomfortable
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.