“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
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Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
5 ways to appear taller
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent