You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
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I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing