you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
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I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale