You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
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Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
three things we don’t talk about
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.