You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
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I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Mornin
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
My time has come.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.