You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
You Might Also Like
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Crying is a sign of leakness.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?