@10InchesPlus

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

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@iwearaonesie

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

@noog

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.

@fuzzlime

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

@Reverend_Scott

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

@DaddyJew

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

@DurtMcHurtt

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

@Manglewood

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

@liljonlovitz

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

@Rollmaninoz

Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’

@Sephira

2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.