You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
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Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.