You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
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telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?