You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
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frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa