You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
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Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.