You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
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My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.