“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
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Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
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Click on account
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AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
kitchen magnet
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.