You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
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[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.