You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
You Might Also Like
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.