you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
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me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.