Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.

Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.

Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]

Bonfire is French for “good fire.”

Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.

Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha

“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.

So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

Spider-cat: No One Home

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.

the clam before the storm

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram