You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
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Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.