You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
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What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
cry laughing at this shit
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Meme Monday.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*