You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
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I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them