You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
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When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
me irl
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.