You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
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I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
When I said I liked it rough.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie