“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
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“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
I’m putting together a team