You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
You Might Also Like
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Taco Bell, Exit 22
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.