You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

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The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.


even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’


I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20


The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!


The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.


My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.


I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective


Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.