“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
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It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.