you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
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me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)