You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
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Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Just me?
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
remember
only for emergencies
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
This is amazing.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.