“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
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The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.