“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
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Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
I put the h in mysterious.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”