@MJMcKean Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
@OyVeyLady “You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
You Might Also Like
@MJMcKean 
@PAT_E_ROCK The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
@_SingleBabyMama After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
@MadamBetteNoire Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
@FSUSteve Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
@natedog2049 People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
@Shade510 Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
@gregreckons But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
@UNDEADTRESOR If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
@DanglesTV2 He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.