Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…

I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.

My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”

“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

Hacker: I have all your passwords

Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

“Don’t take this wrong but…”

Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.