“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

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Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.


Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign


Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.


He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!


*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.


[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted


My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”


Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.


Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..

When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off