“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
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I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
i smell a pulitzer
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
this is 10/10 content no notes
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom