@OyVeyLady

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

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@MJMcKean

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

@PAT_E_ROCK

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

@_SingleBabyMama

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

@FSUSteve

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

@Shade510

Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.

Leftover Pie:

@UNDEADTRESOR

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

@DanglesTV2

He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…

*puts on sunglasses*

In the dust.