“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

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Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.


The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.


After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.


Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.


Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.

Leftover Pie:


If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?


He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…

*puts on sunglasses*

In the dust.