“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
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My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere