@Reverend_Scott

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

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@amydillon

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

@OlanDevine

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

@MelvinofYork

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

@galiamango

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

@audipenny

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

@Brampersandon_

ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse