“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
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I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday