You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
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“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur