You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
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the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.