You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
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WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition