You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
You Might Also Like
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
So, can we agree on 4 or
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”