“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
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[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out