“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
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never deleting this app.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
early stone age tool
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Just me?
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.