You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
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Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.